Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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