I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
how do flat chested girls get laid?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Someone signed my nipple.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
