One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
