I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
