Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
