i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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