I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
