hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
