this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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