i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
