So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
