i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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