you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
