"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize