never play flip cup with pint glasses
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
