she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
