So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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