I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
