My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
