Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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