o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
