I will die if light touches me.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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