I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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