I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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