all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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