so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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