I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
