i already hear my dad disowning me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
