I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
