I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
