I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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