Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
