i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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