So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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