I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
