the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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