i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
