Your face is a jimmy john
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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