mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
