checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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