i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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