I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
