it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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