I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
