I am midnight drunk by noon
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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