"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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