During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
