Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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