I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
