i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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