Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I smell like Dick and happiness
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
