I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
