Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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