Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
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