in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize